LeFrustration Sets In

Dear Delonte - The Cavs are hurting. Take your time, but please hurry back. We need you. In the meantime, thank you for taking ridiculous photographs with your groupies, thank you for providing countless hours of YouTube entertainment, but most of all, thank you for being you, Bugs.

Dear Commissioner Stern - You're an asshole. One that is very good at his job, but you're still an asshole. You ruined the Cavs' "nobody believed in us" season by putting Mo Williams on the All-Star Team, you took away LeBron's historic triple-double, and I will assume that it was you, Mr. Commissioner, that gave Delonte West herpes.

Dear Maurice - I hope you're happy that you made the All-Star game. The last two games have really proven your worth to this team. I think we all know who's the real all-star. I'll give you a hint. He has herpes on his lower lip and he tends to take wrong turns in Albequerque.

Dear Sasha - I'm sorry that you got hurt and that I was initially happy about it. As much as I hate to admit it, this team needs you while Delonte & Kinsey are hurt. I am not sorry for still hating your guts. I am not sorry for thinking you are replaceable. And I am not sorry that Delonte, herpes and all, gets more ladies in a week than you will in your whole life.

Dear Mike Brown - Can you really say that you never complain about refs while you are at that exact moment, complaining about the refs. Not be the grammar police or anything, but isn't that impossible? And haven't you been bitching about LeBron not getting calls all year? Pick your battles. Last night wasn't it. Maybe, instead you should battle your urge to put Sasha back in the lineup when he gets healty, and succomb to your urge to name Delonte West player of the game every single game, even when he doesn't play.

Dear LeBron - Forget the loss. I was mucho impressed when you drained those free throws. I was also mucho impressed that Delonte West started practicing again.

Dear Akron Assassin - The two last second alley-oops last night were either both fouls or both not fouls. There was minimal body contact on both plays. In my opinion, neither was a foul. During both plays, the defender was fronting the offensive player and neither defender's arm made contact with the offensive player's body. There was an acceptable level of body contact on both plays. Sort of like chest-bumping Delonte West, which is an acceptable level of contact with Bugs while still avoiding contracting herpes.

Dear Joey Crawford - Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless they are two wrong statements by Delonte West, in which case, each one independently is right, making two of them a double-right, not to be confused with the opposite of a double-negative, which I don't think exists.

Dear Kobe - Tell me how my ass taste. Probably not as good as Delonte's herpes.* Editor's Note: I just threw up in my mouth a little. Then went to the bathroom and threw up a lot. I'm sorry for writing that, but I feel like hating on Kobe today and that was the first joke relating back to Delonte that I could think of.

Dear Michael Phelps - I'm sure you have seen all of those commercials that say smoking marijuana ruins your life and makes accomplishing anything impossible. Way to prove them wrong, dude. The world isn't pissed that you smoked some weed. It's pissed because a weed-head won eight gold medals last summer. You rule, just like Delonte West, who is also proof that marijuana does not necessarily ruin your life, although he is proof that it makes you hallucinate.

Dear G-d - Thank you for Delonte West.