Sunday, March 22, 2009

Will the curse rear its ugly head?

Cleveland sports are cursed. We all know this. Blame it on Rocky Colavito. Blame it on Michael Jordan. Blame it on Elway and Modell. The cosmos just won't let us succeed. So with the Cavs sporting a magic number of 8 (cavs wins plus boston/magic losses) to clinch the east, a real shot at securing home court in the finals, and a superstar in whom we have no choice but to believe, the real question isn't whether the curse will return. No, I am just curious what is going to happen to ruin this glorious season. Here are ten distinct possibilities from least likely to almost certain. Vegas, take note.

10. The Knicks squeak into the playoffs and Larry Hughes averages a preposterous 40-15-15, leading LeBron's future team to a devastating upset in 6 games.

9. Sasha Pavlovic puts up 19 points in the first half of game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Boston, causing the entire team to go into shock. They are all rushed to the hospital and Mike Brown considers forfeiting, but reluctantly lets Pavs go 1 on 5. He proceeds to go 3-36 from 3-point range over the next three quarters as the Celtics decide not to play defense and let him lose to game on his own.

8. Eric Snow re-joins the team and Mike Brown decides to start him over Mo Williams. The Cavs lose in the first round.

7. Zydrunas gets deported under some convoluted Stimulus adendum. The entire team moves to Lithuania in protest. President Obama reveals that he has money riding on the Celtics and resigns from office.

6. David Stern and Billy Hunter start bargaining over the 2011 CBA next week. They decide that a lockout in two years is inevitable, so they preempt the turmoil by cancelling the 2009 playoffs.

5. Quicken Loans takes a nosedive on the exchange and Dan Gilbert fires every player due playoff incentives. J.J. Hickson, Tarence Kinsey, Joe Smith, Darnell Jackson, and Wally World make it past the first round, but get swept by the Hawks, who rest Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby for the series.

4. Quicken Loans Arena is condemned when it is revealed that LeBron's chalk routine has caused dangerous structural damage. The Cavs are forced to play all of their games on the road. The Spurs win in 5 in the Finals.

3. Ben Wallace, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Anderson Varejao all test positive for steroids.

2. LeBron tests positive for steroids.

1. The entire team contracts herpes from Delonte West and pursuant to little-known league rule, must be quarantined. The Cavs quickly sign Shawn Kemp, Austin Carr, Mark Price, Romeo Travis, Dru Joyce, Vitaly Potapenko, Damon Jones, Kevin Pittsnogle, Andre the Giant's illegitimate son, and the And-1 caucasion wonder-boy "The Professor" to replace the team. They actually win the East on the back of Damon Jones, who shoots 100% from 3-point land, but lose to the Lakers in seven.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Delonte on meeting nice "christian girls"

Anyone who needs tips finding ladies, Redz is to the rescue!

Question: Dr. Redbush: I'm going to Europe in a couple weeks with my cousins and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions on how to attract some fine foreign ladies. I can't dance and I'm broke. Please give me your expert advice on this difficult issue.

Answer: Well, it’s never been the money. The money don’t matter. The money don’t make you. You can have all the money in the world, but if you’re lame, you’ll just be lame with money.

As far as the dancing goes – you’re going to have to work on that, brother. Females watch you dance and, subconsciously, they’re thinking about the way you move a little later on that night. So you’ve got to learn the two-step. Learn the two-step and stick with it. You can change it up for every song. You can speed it up or slow it down, but stick with the same two-step. That’s something that translates in any country.

And if you’re broke, one more thing – besides working on your two-step, which is important – you got to work on your game and your “mouthpiece.” If your mouthpiece is strong, she’ll give you some money.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Breaking News!

Just in case you were wondering, and I know you were, the tattoo on the inside of Delonte West's right wrist reads, "It's the one and only. Anyone else gots to be a phony!" (at the 1:10 mark in the video).

In unrelated and slightly less relevant news, Delonte & Tarence Kinsey are practicing this week and should be playing this week or next.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

LeFrustration Sets In

Dear Delonte - The Cavs are hurting. Take your time, but please hurry back. We need you. In the meantime, thank you for taking ridiculous photographs with your groupies, thank you for providing countless hours of YouTube entertainment, but most of all, thank you for being you, Bugs.

Dear Commissioner Stern - You're an asshole. One that is very good at his job, but you're still an asshole. You ruined the Cavs' "nobody believed in us" season by putting Mo Williams on the All-Star Team, you took away LeBron's historic triple-double, and I will assume that it was you, Mr. Commissioner, that gave Delonte West herpes.

Dear Maurice - I hope you're happy that you made the All-Star game. The last two games have really proven your worth to this team. I think we all know who's the real all-star. I'll give you a hint. He has herpes on his lower lip and he tends to take wrong turns in Albequerque.

Dear Sasha - I'm sorry that you got hurt and that I was initially happy about it. As much as I hate to admit it, this team needs you while Delonte & Kinsey are hurt. I am not sorry for still hating your guts. I am not sorry for thinking you are replaceable. And I am not sorry that Delonte, herpes and all, gets more ladies in a week than you will in your whole life.

Dear Mike Brown - Can you really say that you never complain about refs while you are at that exact moment, complaining about the refs. Not be the grammar police or anything, but isn't that impossible? And haven't you been bitching about LeBron not getting calls all year? Pick your battles. Last night wasn't it. Maybe, instead you should battle your urge to put Sasha back in the lineup when he gets healty, and succomb to your urge to name Delonte West player of the game every single game, even when he doesn't play.

Dear LeBron - Forget the loss. I was mucho impressed when you drained those free throws. I was also mucho impressed that Delonte West started practicing again.

Dear Akron Assassin - The two last second alley-oops last night were either both fouls or both not fouls. There was minimal body contact on both plays. In my opinion, neither was a foul. During both plays, the defender was fronting the offensive player and neither defender's arm made contact with the offensive player's body. There was an acceptable level of body contact on both plays. Sort of like chest-bumping Delonte West, which is an acceptable level of contact with Bugs while still avoiding contracting herpes.

Dear Joey Crawford - Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless they are two wrong statements by Delonte West, in which case, each one independently is right, making two of them a double-right, not to be confused with the opposite of a double-negative, which I don't think exists.

Dear Kobe - Tell me how my ass taste. Probably not as good as Delonte's herpes.* Editor's Note: I just threw up in my mouth a little. Then went to the bathroom and threw up a lot. I'm sorry for writing that, but I feel like hating on Kobe today and that was the first joke relating back to Delonte that I could think of.

Dear Michael Phelps - I'm sure you have seen all of those commercials that say smoking marijuana ruins your life and makes accomplishing anything impossible. Way to prove them wrong, dude. The world isn't pissed that you smoked some weed. It's pissed because a weed-head won eight gold medals last summer. You rule, just like Delonte West, who is also proof that marijuana does not necessarily ruin your life, although he is proof that it makes you hallucinate.

Dear G-d - Thank you for Delonte West.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Daily Dose of Bugs + LBJ > Kobe

The Cavs keep winning and Delonte West keeps making us laugh. Delonte on socks (again) and wire hangers:

I am speechless.

As promised, here are Delonte's groupies.

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No surprise here. Bugs' groupies are all respectable, attractive, and/or bad ass bulldogs. How can you not like this guy? He's an amateur comedian (intentionally, I think), he parties like a rock star (see glazed eyes above), and he can flat out ball. I can't wait for his return to the Cavs, so Sasha Pavlovic can go back to sitting on the bench, pondering the benefits of socialism.


LeGame - So LeBron came up short by nine points to Kobe's 61-point outburst in Madison Square Garden a few nights ago. And if you think that means Kobe outdid King James, you would be wrong. While Kobe posted only 3 assists and ZERO rebounds to go along with his ridiculous 61 points on 60+% from the field, LeBron scored 52 on 52%, adding 11 assists and 10 boards. For those of you scoring Kobe v. LeBron @ MSG at home, that's LBJ +8 assists, +10 boards, and +1 triple-double. Game. Set. Match.

LeSerbian - Pavlovic missed his second game in a row with the "flu" which is just a euphamism for a disease called "I couldn't guard Gloria James." Wally World has filled in admirably in the absence of Pavs and Kinsey. Unfortunately, Kinsey's recent injury means I cannot continue to lobby for him to play all of Sasha's minutes. I'm currently researching the Cavs new 10-day signee, swing guard Trey Johnson. I am quite certain that my research will show that Johnson > Pavlovic.

Sasha Pavlovic Stat Line
DNP - Out with I couldn't guard Gloria James.
Highlight: His welcomed absence.
Postgame quote: "Doesn't anyone care that I, too, will be an unrestricted free agent in 2010."