Friday, March 27, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Will the curse rear its ugly head?
Cleveland sports are cursed. We all know this. Blame it on Rocky Colavito. Blame it on Michael Jordan. Blame it on Elway and Modell. The cosmos just won't let us succeed. So with the Cavs sporting a magic number of 8 (cavs wins plus boston/magic losses) to clinch the east, a real shot at securing home court in the finals, and a superstar in whom we have no choice but to believe, the real question isn't whether the curse will return. No, I am just curious what is going to happen to ruin this glorious season. Here are ten distinct possibilities from least likely to almost certain. Vegas, take note.
10. The Knicks squeak into the playoffs and Larry Hughes averages a preposterous 40-15-15, leading LeBron's future team to a devastating upset in 6 games.
9. Sasha Pavlovic puts up 19 points in the first half of game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Boston, causing the entire team to go into shock. They are all rushed to the hospital and Mike Brown considers forfeiting, but reluctantly lets Pavs go 1 on 5. He proceeds to go 3-36 from 3-point range over the next three quarters as the Celtics decide not to play defense and let him lose to game on his own.
8. Eric Snow re-joins the team and Mike Brown decides to start him over Mo Williams. The Cavs lose in the first round.
7. Zydrunas gets deported under some convoluted Stimulus adendum. The entire team moves to Lithuania in protest. President Obama reveals that he has money riding on the Celtics and resigns from office.
6. David Stern and Billy Hunter start bargaining over the 2011 CBA next week. They decide that a lockout in two years is inevitable, so they preempt the turmoil by cancelling the 2009 playoffs.
5. Quicken Loans takes a nosedive on the exchange and Dan Gilbert fires every player due playoff incentives. J.J. Hickson, Tarence Kinsey, Joe Smith, Darnell Jackson, and Wally World make it past the first round, but get swept by the Hawks, who rest Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby for the series.
4. Quicken Loans Arena is condemned when it is revealed that LeBron's chalk routine has caused dangerous structural damage. The Cavs are forced to play all of their games on the road. The Spurs win in 5 in the Finals.
3. Ben Wallace, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Anderson Varejao all test positive for steroids.
2. LeBron tests positive for steroids.
1. The entire team contracts herpes from Delonte West and pursuant to little-known league rule, must be quarantined. The Cavs quickly sign Shawn Kemp, Austin Carr, Mark Price, Romeo Travis, Dru Joyce, Vitaly Potapenko, Damon Jones, Kevin Pittsnogle, Andre the Giant's illegitimate son, and the And-1 caucasion wonder-boy "The Professor" to replace the team. They actually win the East on the back of Damon Jones, who shoots 100% from 3-point land, but lose to the Lakers in seven.
10. The Knicks squeak into the playoffs and Larry Hughes averages a preposterous 40-15-15, leading LeBron's future team to a devastating upset in 6 games.
9. Sasha Pavlovic puts up 19 points in the first half of game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Boston, causing the entire team to go into shock. They are all rushed to the hospital and Mike Brown considers forfeiting, but reluctantly lets Pavs go 1 on 5. He proceeds to go 3-36 from 3-point range over the next three quarters as the Celtics decide not to play defense and let him lose to game on his own.
8. Eric Snow re-joins the team and Mike Brown decides to start him over Mo Williams. The Cavs lose in the first round.
7. Zydrunas gets deported under some convoluted Stimulus adendum. The entire team moves to Lithuania in protest. President Obama reveals that he has money riding on the Celtics and resigns from office.
6. David Stern and Billy Hunter start bargaining over the 2011 CBA next week. They decide that a lockout in two years is inevitable, so they preempt the turmoil by cancelling the 2009 playoffs.
5. Quicken Loans takes a nosedive on the exchange and Dan Gilbert fires every player due playoff incentives. J.J. Hickson, Tarence Kinsey, Joe Smith, Darnell Jackson, and Wally World make it past the first round, but get swept by the Hawks, who rest Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby for the series.
4. Quicken Loans Arena is condemned when it is revealed that LeBron's chalk routine has caused dangerous structural damage. The Cavs are forced to play all of their games on the road. The Spurs win in 5 in the Finals.
3. Ben Wallace, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Anderson Varejao all test positive for steroids.
2. LeBron tests positive for steroids.
1. The entire team contracts herpes from Delonte West and pursuant to little-known league rule, must be quarantined. The Cavs quickly sign Shawn Kemp, Austin Carr, Mark Price, Romeo Travis, Dru Joyce, Vitaly Potapenko, Damon Jones, Kevin Pittsnogle, Andre the Giant's illegitimate son, and the And-1 caucasion wonder-boy "The Professor" to replace the team. They actually win the East on the back of Damon Jones, who shoots 100% from 3-point land, but lose to the Lakers in seven.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Delonte on meeting nice "christian girls"
Anyone who needs tips finding ladies, Redz is to the rescue!
Question: Dr. Redbush: I'm going to Europe in a couple weeks with my cousins and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions on how to attract some fine foreign ladies. I can't dance and I'm broke. Please give me your expert advice on this difficult issue.
Answer: Well, it’s never been the money. The money don’t matter. The money don’t make you. You can have all the money in the world, but if you’re lame, you’ll just be lame with money.
As far as the dancing goes – you’re going to have to work on that, brother. Females watch you dance and, subconsciously, they’re thinking about the way you move a little later on that night. So you’ve got to learn the two-step. Learn the two-step and stick with it. You can change it up for every song. You can speed it up or slow it down, but stick with the same two-step. That’s something that translates in any country.
And if you’re broke, one more thing – besides working on your two-step, which is important – you got to work on your game and your “mouthpiece.” If your mouthpiece is strong, she’ll give you some money.
Question: Dr. Redbush: I'm going to Europe in a couple weeks with my cousins and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions on how to attract some fine foreign ladies. I can't dance and I'm broke. Please give me your expert advice on this difficult issue.
Answer: Well, it’s never been the money. The money don’t matter. The money don’t make you. You can have all the money in the world, but if you’re lame, you’ll just be lame with money.
As far as the dancing goes – you’re going to have to work on that, brother. Females watch you dance and, subconsciously, they’re thinking about the way you move a little later on that night. So you’ve got to learn the two-step. Learn the two-step and stick with it. You can change it up for every song. You can speed it up or slow it down, but stick with the same two-step. That’s something that translates in any country.
And if you’re broke, one more thing – besides working on your two-step, which is important – you got to work on your game and your “mouthpiece.” If your mouthpiece is strong, she’ll give you some money.
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